Life does not go on.

November 11, 2010…………………. and I am sitting at my computer, getting ready for a meeting tonight, working working as always, remodling my home, getting ready for fairs…… all appears to be as normal…………. but it isn’t.

My soul mutt is no longer at my feet, his soft gentle breathing does not comfort me at night while I sleep, his big warm body does not press up against me as I drive, and my life is not as it was.

I know it is NORMAL to grieve, and I know I am grieving, and people have tried to give me dogs, and puppies and cute critters.  And I appreciate my friends and their careing about me. I appreciate that they love me and want me to be happy and feel good in my life, and I know all of this, and life is not the same.

I understand the psychology of loving an animal because there is not a spouse in my life, I understand all of that, I even know that my animal was a substitute for more children, or a child that lived at home.

But, you know what?  I say SO WHAT?  So what if my beloved Draggy was a substitute?  He never asked to borrow the car, or for a bigger allowance, or to do anything, he just loved me.  ME…….. the ME I was, no matter if I had a shower or not! No matter if I stayed out late or not, no matter if I forgot to buy dog food, and gave him my food, he love me, and he loved me every second of every hour of every day of every year of his life. And I loved him.

Oh, I had a few boyfriends and lovers, and girl friends and all of that while he was around, and I tried to put them first, but Draggy was always there.  He was always by my side, he never gave up on me, he never left me, he never was cruel or mean or unfaithful. He didn’t expect anything of me, and he didn’t demand anything either.

He kept me young, as we always got in our walkies during the day. He kept me sane, as when life was just too much, I stayed on the planet to take care of him. He kept me well, as he could curl up against me and keep me warm and he kept me safe, from SO many things, as he was always a good bark or maybe even bite away!

I thought it would get easier, as time passed, but it’s been 3 months, and if anything it is more difficult. I thought that I would get a new puppie or even an elder dog, a rescue dog, but I have no interest. I thought that I would change, that my life would instantly be more adventurous, because I could travel, but I haven’t, and I thought that I might not miss him so much, but each day brings a new way for me to miss him.

I see something outside, and I look for him to show him. I meet a new friend, and I want to introduce him. I have a dream, and I want to cuddle him. I wake in the middle of the night, and my arm reaches across the covers to where he used to lay, his soft big warm body, snoozing cozily near me, just being there, allowing me to sleep, or get up, or snooze, or cuddle, or chat away about a dream, then his smooth wet nose would nudge me, letting me know that all was well, he was here, and life was good.

I know that people say that someday, I’ll want another dog, that someday I’ll stop grieving, that someday I’ll want to move on, and that someday I’ll be okay. I’ll change. I”ll be different. I’ll be okay. I”ll want to do something, with someone or about something. and that may be true. someday, but not today.

Today, is one of those cold blustery, curl up on the couch with a hot cup of tea days, and snuggle with a big ole’ doggin, who is all cozy and warm, and lays up against you, and makes you laugh out loud. It’s one of those days, that you make hot soup, and pour some into a bowl with a big crusty piece of bread, and let your doggin, slurp up the last bits, as you both enjoy the wind on the water, and the falling leaves.

Today, is one of those days where you think about life and friends, and people from the past, and the Holidays fast aproaching, and what you wish you had done in your turbulent youth, and what you still will do in your graying years, and who will still be with you, and who won’t.

Today, is one of those days that makes your remember fondly all the muddy paw prints on the carpet, and the turned over bowls of food, and the chewed up cell phones of puppy years, and it makes you want to sit right down and cry. Because that is a memory of a long lost love, who can not return. And no matter what you do, what you say, or what you spend, you can’t get those years back. They are gone, and that is that.

Today, is one of those days, where my heart is joyous for the knowing of him, and heavy for the loss of him, and tickled for remembering his antics, and saddened by the emptiness it holds.  Love knows know species.

I miss you Draggy. And life is not the same.

~ by rawpriestess on November 11, 2010.