Raw devotion

My beloved Draggon Doggin, my soul mutt, my best friend, my one and only true pure love has passed over to a delightful, warm, and totally blissful place.

I am beyond devastated.

Although he has visited me many times since his passing on August 3, 2010, and I have posted on facebook, visited my son and grandchildren, gone on with my life, mowed my lawn, taken showers, gone to bed, woke up, and worked………… my life is not the same.  I am not the same.

He chose to ween me off of his constant companionship so sweetly, by not being able to get into the bed, so I added stairs, then even with stairs, he could no longer get into bed, for the past several months, I have slept alone, with him on the floor on his favorite sleeping bag, snooring away.  I’d wake up in the middle of the night, and I”d listen for his soft cozy breathing, and I’d know he was still with me, but his soft warm furr, was not near enough to pet. He weened me off of his warm sleeping body next to me.

He was unable to climb into my car, and I was unable to get him to use the steps I bought for him to get into the car, he was 80 pounds, so I could not lift him, I realized that him coming with me in the car had ended, and that was also months ago. He weened me off of his companionship whenever I left the house.

He was unable to get up and down the two small stairs in my home, from my office to the upper part of the house, where the bathroom and kitchen were, ……… well, he COULD manage it, but it was painful for him, so he would wait in my office, watching me from afar, until I returned to his side, then once or twice a day, we’d walk around the house, where there are no stairs to the front of the house, and he’s walk into the upper part, a gradual slope of lawn aided this, and was accomplished by my removing the rock walls that had been in my garden for so many years. I knew they caused him challenges, so I had them removed over the past 4 years, as I could afford it. Now all of my lawn is a gradual slope from the front of my home to the back, and he could walk that……

I had made a nice slope to the lake for him, and he was able to go into the lake twice this summer. I had added dirt into the rock wall, that he used to so easily jump up and down when he was younger. The dirt made it into a small road, and when I cut back all the bushes, he was able to get into the lake…… although getting him out was a bit more challenging.

I added small low steps to my decks in case he wanted to lay on them, but alas old bones like softer surfaces……. so the cool grass was his outside choice for comfort.

The wide step by my hottub was used when he was younger to jump up and lick my hand which probably tasted salty or at least wet with the hot tub water, but that too was too high for him to reach, so I removed it, and allowed him his dignity so he could still be near me in my decadent hot tub pleasures each day, hanging my arm over the side for his nuzzle and a soft pat.

The carpets were covered over the last few years, because of his inability to control his bowels, and all of those towels and tarps are now removed, and I can see carpet again. I had two friends come out twice, and I removed all the tarps so they wouldn’t see, and my house looked almost normal for those couple of visits. But all of the parties I used to have, had not been enjoyed in these last years because of this, and now I can have costume parties, tea parties, boat parties again,— but I dont’ want to.

My life is so much more free to go and return. My cat takes care of himself gorging on rodents from the fields, and my beautiful bird is easily amused by all the goings on on the lake, and her food and water last her two weeks without my interferance.

I hear him. His panting and soft sweet bark, as he was deaf these past few years, he would politely bark once to let me know that he was ready to come into the house after he was outside.  He’d wait patiently for me, and if I was not there in a few minutes, he’d give me one more bark, then try another door, as I have 6 outside doors, he would be smart and come to my office door first, then my waiting room door, then my studio door, then the front door, he’d work his way around the house before settling in the front garden and waiting patiently — oh so patiently — for me to find him.

I see him. In my mind, in the shadows in the dent in the bed now, in the grass, in the lake, in the meadow, that rustling of tall grasses, and that handsome black nose peeping out at me. I see his foot prints in the sand, and the fresh dirt in the gardens, I see his nose print on the glass of the french doors, I see his hair in the corners of my home where the vaccum didn’t reach, and I see him waiting in my car for me.

I feel him. His warmth as I crawl into bed, his soft gentle muzzle on my leg, as I sit at the computer working, his warm breath on my knee…………. his paw on my hand, and his big cuddly waggly tail body bump up against me as I walk down the hall.

I can smell his soft warm doggy aroma when it rains, and I remember he’d come in all surface wet and smiling, I’d grab a big fluffy towel to dry him off, and he’d be wagging and smiling up at me, all excited to be rubbed down. I can smell his fresh dirt digging smell when we’d come in from the gardens, and he’d bring in clumps of fresh earth on his paws and track them all over my kitchen tiles, such a fresh clean earthy smell. I can smell rosemary, as he loved to walk through my huge rosemary plant in the back yard, and he’d come in smelling so good……………… I can smell the sage and thyme and lavendar too as they are also plants that he’d walk under and he’d bring in those luscious scents for me to enjoy, as I was always on the computer working, while he was outside enjoying life.

I can feel his love in my home, in all of the furniture that he used to lay on, the rugs he used to walk on, the carpet he used to sleep on, his pillows, his comforter, his sleeping bag, his favorite blanket, and his favorite alpaka throw rug that he slept on from the day I bought it.

I can feel him in my heart and he will never leave me………… as all the men have.

We are born alone and we die alone, but when we connect to a being so angelic as a loving dog, there is no alone in your life.

When he passed, I saw my kitty Opus waiting for him, Opus passed away in 2001, and Draggon and Opus were best friends. My other dog Grizz was also waiting for him, although Grizz passed away one year before Draggon was born…… but then Grizz is with me all the time too…….. so Draggon met him in ghost form in my home………. and my mom, she was there, she passed away in 1985. And I was surprised that she was waiting for him, because she’d never met him, but she was. And I was also surprised that I didn’t see Khadji my afghan who passed away years ago, but had lived with Draggon for at least 6 of his first years, but she was always quiet and shy, so she may have been waiting behind all the others.

When Draggon passed away part of me went with him, and I miss him more than I believed was possible.

He tried to prepare me for life without him, he tried to be with me constantly and yet ween me off of him, he tried.

He was my sweet gentle protector dog, he was with me through break ups, through the most difficult times in my life, he was with me when I went through meno-pause and he still loved me. …… he has been my one true friend.

He took his last breath in my arms. I am so blessed to have been loved by such an angelic being.

~ by rawpriestess on August 15, 2010.